Dear Troy.......

Ok, so I wrote a letter to Troy on July 8th but I didn't have enough courage to send it to him. But I do need to get it out sometime, somehow. So I figured that if I put it here that he would never see it.......................... An hour later............ OK never mind. I seemed to have misplaced the letter that took me two freakin days to freakin write!!!!!! Well this is kinda like how it was.

Troy, July 8, 2009

I wish that you would just come and shoot me cause I don't think that I could be in anymore pain. Today makes an exact month since the day you broke up with me. I've lost my best friend, the best boyfriend, and it seems that no one cares for me anymore. I mean I guess they have been tired of my slumpy depressed mood. But anyway, I didn't write this letter to tell you how hurt or how depressed I am, I wrote it to thank you. You were the best I've had in my life. You were the greatest thing since forever! Even though you probably won't, can you tell your dad that I really miss him and that I thought he was super amazing? I really wish you the best and that you become a wonderful pitcher in the pros! You would be a perfect pitcher. I honestly have to say that I am having a very hard time forgetting you. I don't think I ever will, honestly. When I said I would love you forever, I was meaning whether we were together or not. Since you were my first love I never will forget you. I'm not even close to being over you. You can ask Landon, I'm a mess. All I've done is lay in bed and watch What I Like About You. I've lost 13 pounds. Obviously, I'm different from Kelsey. I starve myself when I'm depressed. But anyway, miss you, still love you, and you'll always be in my heart.

Forever and Always,

ASH NICOLE

And thats almost exactly what it said.

Completely annoyed

Ahhhhhh! When someone tells you not to call unless they call first..... DON'T CALL! Every morning at 7:30, Casie calls me and I told her not to call me unless I call her. At some point she was my best friend. Then in April, she started going out with Landon, and me and him just had soooo much in common. Yes, I know, how could I be best friends with someone I met in April? Well he was just sooo sweet to me and he complements me all the time. Also, unlike Casie, he remembers when my volleyball games are and he's coming to finals next Wednsday. The bad thing is that him and Troy have been like brothers since forever. So I have to share him. Not that I mind sharing Landon it's just the person I have to share him with. I wouldn't mind being friends with Troy, he's just not man enough to see me again because he knows that what he did was wrong and how badly he hurt me. I'm just scared that he's gonna try to talk Landon into not being my friend. But if he's a true friend then he would never do such a thing to me. I belive that he's a true friend. He loves me so I don't have a doubt in my mind that he would ever hurt me. Unless we get into one of our slap-boxing fights. He's really good but I have beat him once.(He claims he " let me win") He's so adorable! But anyway, POINT: if you want to keep a friend just do the simple things they ask, for their sake.

And this was Ash telling you the way to live without drama. (Sorry I just wanted to say that)

Pain comes before love

OK, I know what being depressed feels like. Matter of fact I'm still here. Don't worry, it won't leave for a while. But in my stage of depression, I've learned that pain will come before love. If you don't feel true pain than you will never be thankful for the good things. Because God realizes that we need to appreciate things so he has to show us how bad it can get but then he makes up for it. My ex- boyfriend, Troy, the one I told you about in my last blog, if he never went out with me then I wouldn't appreciate the next one. There would be nothing to appreciate because they wold have had the same qualities. My best friend Landon for example, I never appreciated him as much as I should have when me and Troy were going out. Honestly, I had no respect for him. Then after Troy broke up with me I realized that he cares for me deeply. Now I thank the Lord everyday that he blessed me with Landon. I don't think I can ever find anyone better than him. He is the best person anyone could ever have. Whoever may have his heart at anytime is a very,very lucky person. He is the reason I am not letting go. He is the one who keeps me from falling apart, he keeps me grounded. I love him. I have just realized that. He is like my brother. He is the only one I've ever let in, the only one I ever will let in. I can't even think of how broken I would be if he were to let me go. Actually I would feel the most hurt I have ever felt. More than when Troy broke up with me, more than when my dad left my mom, and more than when I found out my grandma had cancer. If he left it would be like something that died inside of me. Out of all the days I have complained and whined and yapped on and on about stupid things, he listened and he didn't complain one bit about how whiny I am. He didn't tune me out. So thanks. Point is: don't commit suicide because there is something better coming or it's right in front of you. Always have hope. Never give up. Never say never. Look harder and you'll find whatever you're looking for but NEVER give up and I promise you will be loved. It may not feel like it but it's coming. I thought it was never gonna happen. But if anyone is inspired,thank Landon. He will always be my number one inspiration. He taught me that someone is out there with a glue gun, waiting to glue all the pieces back together. Not immediately, but you are always loved. I will always feel loved.

To Landon,

You will always be number one in my heart. I will never stop loving you. Thank you, I will never give up and now I know that one person will always love me.

NEVER STOP BELIEVING!!!!!!!